Markings.

These markings are timeless. it may fade in color, but never in meaning...my story can be touched up and recreated...these ageless markings on this aging body and I'll show you in the light with pride. Beauty with a face, not the mask I hide behind. These markings are symbols of honesty, the deepest parts of me...It's not the skin, but the message that makes me a beautiful woman.

Take it in with a breath, the canvas that breathes and heart beats, with blood of an artist and tongue sharp as a poet. The art of my world in motion. These markings of my being, the path that has made me be, to exist in this world...if God take my voice, then let these markings be my name.

Broken Record, Play Your Favorite Song.

she praised the dead from her hiding hole,
she fell, she fell!
Be gone, but not long...
reach for the light and fight for it.
We've slipped, we've bled and stitched up our hurt with kisses.
Grow up stronger than your mother's weaknesses,
then take her pride and wear it like a crown.
A Queen of all things,
still scared of the dark and bugs.

Dug out my heart from the ground and planted it somewhere in Harlem
the roots of my problems manifested and the strength of my will be tested...am I reliving a mistake? or am I wiser in my spirit and taking in the qualities I deem reasonable? It is settling for what I can get or settling for what I want?


hmm...

The Saga Continues.

Let back track and...

It's been two years since I've seen her face and smelled her skin...maybe a lot longer since I last seen her truly smile and she didn't stink of death...My mother's scent like a garden of wildflowers in a warm summer night. I miss how small her bones really were. How soft her coarse hair was and how much she loved its auburn color...

On this day, she passed away. Cancer ate her up...but I kept her heart. I couldn't hold her hand through it because I wouldn't let her go and I think she knew that. I hope she knew that...I hope she knows I love her still and even more now, that I can't take it for granted. I hope she knows there is not one moment where she doesn't cross my mind...Sometimes it feels like I'm sinking and it's because I can't hold her to me. It's not death that I hate, it's her life that I'm missing...The things she'll miss in mine and all the advice that I'll need and she can't give me. She's not suffering anymore and I understand.

The mending has begun, but I'll never know how long it'll take to heal and if I ever will...but know, this day of all days...I miss my mother and it hurts...and I feel it with my whole heart.

Fast Forward

My heart has shifted. I love again and never the same...its never the same...I've learned to love differently. Feel stronger in my skin...I won't break again. On to the next, but I'm still the sensitive type. I want some kind of twisted fairytale, the damaged princess rescued by her misunderstood prince lol...We lived happily indeed, forever isn't promised so I'll take what I can get...maybe thats why I'm always stuck in these "second best" situations. One day, I will know myself well enough and learn my lessons...until then, I will count my blessings and smile at all the little things that make it all seem well worth it.

I was locked away in a dungeon for a year and a half...lol...Free at last, free at last...

This is the first time I've written this much in about 4 months...This is not The Poet speaking.

I have not been on stage in over a year...I've lost my will to write and I've been on a journey to find it again...

Where there is love, there is chaos.

I need to get back on the ball and keep it on a rooolllllll.

I still have the will to live, God help me.

I want the strength to survive, Goddess bless me.

23 years old and she's no joke...the damn vamp got it and she don't even know.

The Saga Continues, my friends...

For the New Year.

Crazy things. Sometimes these thoughts spring from nothing. Sometimes they spring from the dreams I have, the things I fear...or because I've spent too much time alone, thinking to myself....

A depressing moment again? Not really...but these are the darker of moments for me. Why don't I use a true journal to share my world with? without the eyes of web browsers to follow my every word...because I fear to be alone. I get scared of being the only one who thinks the way I do...and if there is any sanity left in me, I like the world to remind me of those good traits, tell me its okay to be who I am because its the only way for me to be... to be like anyone else, is to be...well...you...and that, doesn't sit right with me...I know I'm not normal...but could you call these fits...being crazy?

I need to be more focused at work. I need to meet these deadlines before I lose my job just because I didn't want to do it. This is a GREAT place to work. Everyone is just so willing to work with each other and make everything come together...but I just can't stick with it completely and its been this way since I was little...How am I to break out of a habit thats been in effect since I was young enough to walk...I'm not happy with one thing, I move on to the next without a second thought. If its something I don't agree with, I ignore it...and I can't do that here at work lol...Maybe I'm getting tired of the receptionist gig? Maybe I need something alil more connected to my "tru calling"...Stage... Performance...Action and People!!! What kind of jobs are out there...::sighs:: what I NEED to do is come out with a best seller already lol. i think once I get my story printed...the world will change....but do I have enough knowledge and imagination in me to complete my number one dream? I always write a story in the middle of its bliss...never a beginning or an ending...just the middle, the life and pure meat of the story...without a start and an ending...how powerful can a message be without a WHOLE story to back it up? 

::sighs:: and moving on.

I'm fucking fat lol. Okay...so I hear how people say I'm not fat and that I'm good the way I am and so fourth...but I see myself in the mirror everyday. I see whats wrong and dig at it with my eyes... trying to stare myself skinny. I don't want to be a stick, I just don't want to feel the plumpness of my flesh when I sit down. I don't my "love handles" to be cute because i don't want them to exist...I'm joining the gym today and going. I'm going. I'm going, I'm going. I wanna be sexy for the summer and feel not good, but GREAT about myself. I'm going to be 21 in a month...time to get my act together because I won't be young forever. Can't day dream my whole life without some kind of reality. Why can't I make my dreams a reality, hmm? I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! and I WILL!!!

How long will this state of mind be in effect? Where will it lead me in the end? Lets find out, shall we...

As life goes, I go...and I'm here to share my stories with you. Stay tuned...

Woe is Me

I've lost sensible reasoning in my head lol. Tis the season to give and be merry. Last night, I spent $400 bucks on my boyfriend's gift....iPod Video...Now, not saying he's not worth the gift and I'm not saying money is everything...but $400? I don't even think I've spent 400 for one item on myself EVER and I did for him...

He got me a DVD player and Monopoly the Board game....should I be worried? Should the voices in my head be screaming at me..."Stupid, Stupid, Stupid..." Should I have gotten him an iPod when no more than a week ago I cried to him to pay more attention to me...to be more considerate of my feelings??? Then I stand around while he buys his mother a $300 gold charm...Now...money is no option people. I don't stand around looking at prices...but its all about the "thought"...the love and heart put into a gift. I just find what he got me to be so non-personal...ya know? A DVD player, EVERYONE can enjoy. A Board game, EVERYONE can enjoy...even if the iPod is something you can share, all in all...it belongs to HIM and only HIM...so yeah, can you see my distress in all this? Is it wrong for me to feel the way I do? Feel like no matter what I express to him, this is how he feels about me...

Nothing personal...just great sex wrapped up with a title of "girlfriend and boyfriend"...and I'm not even going to lie about this...he is by far one of the BEST relationships I've ever had...but there are things missing....things that I shouldn't have to point out every damn time. why must I remind a man to consider "the love of his life"...blah...

Maybe its just the mood I'm in...the season, my bullshyt....maybe I'm actually right about feeling the way I do...but when does it matter?

When does whatever *I* feel matter to anyone who doesn't have to deal with me the way my boyfriend would...or my family would...

Does this even make sense anymore?

::tears::

Sitting here at work and I've realized how much I don't want to be here...heh, I don't wanna be anywhere in that matter. Can I vanish, if only for one second...in to thin air?

Last night, my heart broke again. Not because of him or the past I've left behind...just because I forgot about my whole sense of want, my sense of loss and it came down on me as if to say "you're not whole just yet"...you can't hide depression forever. No, I'm not one of those emo cases. I don't stand around wearing gothic gear, with my hair in my face listening to "just kill me" music. This goes back to when those dark feelings had no name or trend. This goes back to when I was 6 years old, laying in a hospital bed hooked up to every machine possible, dazing out the window into the open world that I couldn't be part of because I was just too sick to embrace it. Goes back to learning how to walk again and still till this day walk and dance with a limp...goes back to years of home schooling and family abuse. The sheltered lifestyle and no real friendships till my teenage years. Being a teenager is truly an awkward phase. Trying to discover yourself so young...trying to figure out all the truths and secrets of the world from the twin size bed in my room...it didn't work out as I had planned. Breaking points and empty promises in my earlier stages. Thats all I grew to know as a child. Rages of anger are fond throughout my family. Raised voices and discouragement to succeed was all the words poured into my ears and heart since before I knew it was just wrong. It wasn't until I broke the ties with my mother at age 16, when I tried to take my own life to be whisked away from all the darkness in my thoughts, all the bullshyt in my life did I realize I had the chance to grow. When I found my chance...I took it.

Where did it leave me? in a 2 year relationship with a man who wouldn't know happiness if it came to him on a plate with a sign that said "eat me"...I still count the scars he left to remember him by, I still remember every tear and piece of broken heart I swallowed in his sake. I grew up soooo much in that short time. I grew up to realize that the only one in life who has my best interest...is me and myself alone. Now we're moving on to the wonders of which float over my head in the "here and now" time. I'm back where I once started. Back in the loving arms of cruelty at its finest. My family loves me now...my mother, because shes dying of cancer, my father because I show no care for my mother and my brother because I bear gifts for him and "never tell him no"...Why does everyone get what the expect from me and I...have to wait with patience for the world to tend to my needs and pleasures?

I even began to date again. Tomorrow making it one year since my boyfriend and I claimed our love for each other. One year since everything made more sense than it does at this very moment. What I wouldn't give to feel as whole as I did that night. To be sure of nothing else but the pounding of happiness in my heart every time he looked my way. Neverthless, I'm still broken. Damaged goods. Still find myself staring in to space into nothingness. I still have those serious "I'm no good" moods, scratching at my wrists where the scars rest clean on my skin, Whimpering in my sleep over silent dreams of my past coming to haunt me. They aren't part of my being entirely...not anymore...its not the ONLY thing I know...its just a familiar tune I know how to dance to...when a dog barks, you wait for its bite.This is the way you must live in this world of mine. On your guard and on your toes because you never know where the next blow is going to hit. It will hurt, but NEVER kill me....you hear that??? I might break from time to time...but never fear, I'm UNSTOPPABLE!!!

I'm mixed breed in manhattan paints

Tongue dressed by the east village

Dirtied by family habits and bronx homes

Free spirited through the boroughs of this jungle

I've survived New York with a faded faith

Now I'm living with a change of pace

But I can't stick around much longer

I'm feeling uplifted and razor sharp

The world is on my shoulders

and Im running clean like Nike

If negativity wanna start shit

then step up and fight me

I'm years beyond this moment

These words are just a memory

spoken by a voice from the ghost

of this pen's history...

My homeboy ralfy said it best..."Time and Tide"...of course he has his own meaning (duh, he came up with it LOL) but those words are brought to life with my own tales of truth. Life is time and tide. The time you take to live, to grow and become, the pull of things...the result of what and who you are upon the shore of life...Lets see if what you throw in, comes back to you in the long run, washed up like a forgotten memory till you realize...These are the moments that made you become all that you are as a person. you learn to live and learn to push back...most all, you learn to let go til its time to realize the worth in anything you do. The answers are all in front of you...you just have to fit the pieces juuuusssttt right.

Time for me to finish work.

::smiles::

Sometimes Random.

Morning blues. The day hasn't started and I'm ready to call it quits. Why have these days grained my good spirits away? Could it be the season? Tis the season for much and tis my reason not to care...it's all a bunch of bull. I haven't embraced my family for the holidays in years. Just got back into the mix with the ones in my household and they're alot more surprised than I am. 

Nothing wrong with enjoying the moments though. Hott coco on a cold morning or late night. The smell of fresh pine and freezing air crisp at the back of your throat whenever you inhale...the smoke signals that surround your face whenever you exhale...The quiet morning walks to work, the empty grey skies and big boots. I love boots and sweaters, hoodies, gloves are so nice... The comfort in warmth is a beautiful thing, one of the safest feelings I've known. What do I have against old man winter? Sometimes loving the cold doesn't keep you warm enough. 

Now what? Blank spots in the thinking process, its still too early for me to care. But I can smile, I do that well...shyt...better at smiling than I am telling the truth...lol...and I tell the truth pprreetttyyy fuckin' often so you could imagine how much I smile....smile and all the while, I might be just alil bit crazy. Ya know, CRAZY people usually think they're sane, in my case...I don't think thats it lol. Salvador Dali said it best "There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad" But what's sane anymore, anyways...give it another year or two and I bet that "Insanity" will be the new "rockstar"...and everyone will find it cool to pop anti-depressive pills, slam heads against walls, write on the walls with dog poop and kill their parents...Even more, the population of crime will increase and the most overrated statement these convicts will use is "I pled temporary insanity your honor"...For what? Just so America can find a way to work around THAT one too...those assholes ruined it for the rest of the smart ones who have their whole trial planned out just in case of any event that might happen. Once everyone starts using the crazy card there will be more of a chance that no one will believe it...even harder to prove a case and then some...you're just another faker in a world of more realistic problems....

::looks around:: how the hell did I even get on that topic? LOL...oye. Well, I'm at work. I shouldn't be THIS comfortable pouring my heart out when theres work to be done. ::laughs:: oye...When will I start learning? I need to start to care more...::sighs::

Back at it...