Sitting here at work and I've realized how much I don't want to be here...heh, I don't wanna be anywhere in that matter. Can I vanish, if only for one second...in to thin air?
Last night, my heart broke again. Not because of him or the past I've left behind...just because I forgot about my whole sense of want, my sense of loss and it came down on me as if to say "you're not whole just yet"...you can't hide depression forever. No, I'm not one of those emo cases. I don't stand around wearing gothic gear, with my hair in my face listening to "just kill me" music. This goes back to when those dark feelings had no name or trend. This goes back to when I was 6 years old, laying in a hospital bed hooked up to every machine possible, dazing out the window into the open world that I couldn't be part of because I was just too sick to embrace it. Goes back to learning how to walk again and still till this day walk and dance with a limp...goes back to years of home schooling and family abuse. The sheltered lifestyle and no real friendships till my teenage years. Being a teenager is truly an awkward phase. Trying to discover yourself so young...trying to figure out all the truths and secrets of the world from the twin size bed in my room...it didn't work out as I had planned. Breaking points and empty promises in my earlier stages. Thats all I grew to know as a child. Rages of anger are fond throughout my family. Raised voices and discouragement to succeed was all the words poured into my ears and heart since before I knew it was just wrong. It wasn't until I broke the ties with my mother at age 16, when I tried to take my own life to be whisked away from all the darkness in my thoughts, all the bullshyt in my life did I realize I had the chance to grow. When I found my chance...I took it.
Where did it leave me? in a 2 year relationship with a man who wouldn't know happiness if it came to him on a plate with a sign that said "eat me"...I still count the scars he left to remember him by, I still remember every tear and piece of broken heart I swallowed in his sake. I grew up soooo much in that short time. I grew up to realize that the only one in life who has my best interest...is me and myself alone. Now we're moving on to the wonders of which float over my head in the "here and now" time. I'm back where I once started. Back in the loving arms of cruelty at its finest. My family loves me now...my mother, because shes dying of cancer, my father because I show no care for my mother and my brother because I bear gifts for him and "never tell him no"...Why does everyone get what the expect from me and I...have to wait with patience for the world to tend to my needs and pleasures?
I even began to date again. Tomorrow making it one year since my boyfriend and I claimed our love for each other. One year since everything made more sense than it does at this very moment. What I wouldn't give to feel as whole as I did that night. To be sure of nothing else but the pounding of happiness in my heart every time he looked my way. Neverthless, I'm still broken. Damaged goods. Still find myself staring in to space into nothingness. I still have those serious "I'm no good" moods, scratching at my wrists where the scars rest clean on my skin, Whimpering in my sleep over silent dreams of my past coming to haunt me. They aren't part of my being entirely...not anymore...its not the ONLY thing I know...its just a familiar tune I know how to dance to...when a dog barks, you wait for its bite.This is the way you must live in this world of mine. On your guard and on your toes because you never know where the next blow is going to hit. It will hurt, but NEVER kill me....you hear that??? I might break from time to time...but never fear, I'm UNSTOPPABLE!!!
I'm mixed breed in manhattan paints
Tongue dressed by the east village
Dirtied by family habits and bronx homes
Free spirited through the boroughs of this jungle
I've survived New York with a faded faith
Now I'm living with a change of pace
But I can't stick around much longer
I'm feeling uplifted and razor sharp
The world is on my shoulders
and Im running clean like Nike
If negativity wanna start shit
then step up and fight me
I'm years beyond this moment
These words are just a memory
spoken by a voice from the ghost
of this pen's history...
My homeboy ralfy said it best..."Time and Tide"...of course he has his own meaning (duh, he came up with it LOL) but those words are brought to life with my own tales of truth. Life is time and tide. The time you take to live, to grow and become, the pull of things...the result of what and who you are upon the shore of life...Lets see if what you throw in, comes back to you in the long run, washed up like a forgotten memory till you realize...These are the moments that made you become all that you are as a person. you learn to live and learn to push back...most all, you learn to let go til its time to realize the worth in anything you do. The answers are all in front of you...you just have to fit the pieces juuuusssttt right.
Time for me to finish work.
::smiles::
