A depressing moment again? Not really...but these are the darker of moments for me. Why don't I use a true journal to share my world with? without the eyes of web browsers to follow my every word...because I fear to be alone. I get scared of being the only one who thinks the way I do...and if there is any sanity left in me, I like the world to remind me of those good traits, tell me its okay to be who I am because its the only way for me to be... to be like anyone else, is to be...well...you...and that, doesn't sit right with me...I know I'm not normal...but could you call these fits...being crazy?
I need to be more focused at work. I need to meet these deadlines before I lose my job just because I didn't want to do it. This is a GREAT place to work. Everyone is just so willing to work with each other and make everything come together...but I just can't stick with it completely and its been this way since I was little...How am I to break out of a habit thats been in effect since I was young enough to walk...I'm not happy with one thing, I move on to the next without a second thought. If its something I don't agree with, I ignore it...and I can't do that here at work lol...Maybe I'm getting tired of the receptionist gig? Maybe I need something alil more connected to my "tru calling"...Stage... Performance...Action and People!!! What kind of jobs are out there...::sighs:: what I NEED to do is come out with a best seller already lol. i think once I get my story printed...the world will change....but do I have enough knowledge and imagination in me to complete my number one dream? I always write a story in the middle of its bliss...never a beginning or an ending...just the middle, the life and pure meat of the story...without a start and an ending...how powerful can a message be without a WHOLE story to back it up?
::sighs:: and moving on.
I'm fucking fat lol. Okay...so I hear how people say I'm not fat and that I'm good the way I am and so fourth...but I see myself in the mirror everyday. I see whats wrong and dig at it with my eyes... trying to stare myself skinny. I don't want to be a stick, I just don't want to feel the plumpness of my flesh when I sit down. I don't my "love handles" to be cute because i don't want them to exist...I'm joining the gym today and going. I'm going. I'm going, I'm going. I wanna be sexy for the summer and feel not good, but GREAT about myself. I'm going to be 21 in a month...time to get my act together because I won't be young forever. Can't day dream my whole life without some kind of reality. Why can't I make my dreams a reality, hmm? I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! and I WILL!!!
How long will this state of mind be in effect? Where will it lead me in the end? Lets find out, shall we...
As life goes, I go...and I'm here to share my stories with you. Stay tuned...
